Prison Name: [Undisclosed Location]
Reviewer: Former Guest (Against My Will)
Check-In Process – ⭐☆☆☆☆
One expects a certain level of bureaucratic inefficiency upon entering an institution of this nature, but even my low expectations were brutally beaten into submission upon arrival. The check-in process, which I foolishly assumed might involve some level of formal hospitality, instead began with a rather personal and undignified search, followed by the abrupt confiscation of all worldly possessions, including, for some reason, my shoelaces, a single stick of gum, and any remaining dignity I had managed to smuggle in.
My onboarding was handled by a gentleman whose facial expression suggested he had either recently undergone a full lobotomy or had simply reached a point in his career where he no longer recognized joy. His response to my inquiries consisted of grunts, vague gestures, and, at one point, a deep and exasperated sigh that seemed to communicate, “You are furniture to me.”
The welcoming package consisted of one orange jumpsuit, one thin mattress resembling a repurposed yoga mat, and an existential crisis. No welcome drink. No mint on the pillow.
Accommodations – ⭐☆☆☆☆
My accommodations, if one wishes to be generous in terminology, were spartan in nature and designed primarily to break the human spirit. The mattress, which I assume was crafted from a mixture of recycled cardboard and crushed dreams, was thoughtfully placed on a concrete slab that doubled as both a bed and a medieval torture device.
The open-air bathroom facilities ensured that any remaining sense of privacy I had clung to was mercilessly eradicated. The decor was minimal, featuring a tasteful color palette of depression gray and institutional beige, complemented by the faint scent of bleach, regret, and something I chose not to identify.
The roommate selection process was completely arbitrary, leading to some delightful surprises. One evening, I was paired with a man who spoke exclusively in riddles, and another time, I shared my living space with a gentleman who had a fascinating yet concerning collection of imaginary friends.
Dining – ⭐☆☆☆☆
The culinary experience was a gastronomic adventure into the realm of questionable nutrition. Meals arrived at irregular intervals, often tepid, unidentifiable, and with the distinct impression that they had lost the will to live somewhere between the kitchen and my tray.
Breakfast was lukewarm gruel, lunch was something vaguely resembling meat, and dinner was yet another opportunity to marvel at the resilience of my digestive system.
At one point, I found myself deeply engaged in a philosophical debate with another inmate about whether the “chicken” we were eating had ever actually been a chicken or if it was simply a bold reimagination of poultry.
Amenities & Activities – ⭐⭐☆☆☆
The facility boasted a variety of structured activities, all carefully curated to ensure maximum tedium.
- Recreation consisted of pacing in circles in an outdoor cage while engaging in the thrilling game of “Do Not Make Eye Contact.”
- Exercise facilities were rudimentary, featuring a pull-up bar and the ever-popular “lift your own body weight in despair” program.
- Reading material was provided, but only in the form of books so damaged they appeared to have survived multiple apocalyptic events.
There was also a vibrant social scene, though one had to be careful as certain misunderstandings could quickly escalate into unofficial boxing matches over items as valuable as a honey bun or an extra packet of instant coffee.
Customer Service – ⭐☆☆☆☆
The staff was a fascinating blend of personalities, ranging from mildly indifferent to enthusiastically sadistic.
Requests for basic necessities such as toilet paper, soap, or medical attention were met with the enthusiasm of a government worker clocking in for their final shift before retirement.
However, it must be said that not all staff were terrible. A handful of them managed to display the radical notion of basic human decency, which, in this environment, felt like witnessing a miracle on par with turning water into wine.
Final Verdict – ⭐☆☆☆☆
Would I recommend this establishment to a friend? Only if I despised them with every fiber of my being.
While the accommodations were deeply lacking in comfort and the food was an affront to the culinary arts, the company was occasionally tolerable, and the lessons in patience and endurance were invaluable.
That being said, if given the choice between another stay here or being chased naked through the woods by a pack of wolves, I would choose the wolves. Every time.
One star. Only because zero stars is not an option.
– Anonymous, formerly incarcerated
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