A System Designed for Maximum Suffering
The justice system has come a long way. Sure, it still has flaws, but at least punishments no longer involve torture devices, public humiliation, or slow, agonizing deaths.
In the Middle Ages, crime and punishment were not just about justice. They were about pain, spectacle, and making sure everyone in town got some free entertainment. Public executions were family events, and laws were enforced with a mix of creativity and absolute brutality.
Today, people complain about fines and prison sentences. Back then, a simple case of theft could result in something far more… memorable.
Let’s take a look at some of the most bizarre and extreme punishments that once passed for justice.
Trial by Ordeal – When Guilt Was Decided by Fire, Water, or Just Pure Suffering
Forget evidence, witnesses, or logical reasoning. In medieval justice, guilt or innocence was often determined by one simple method: pain. The idea was that God would intervene to protect the innocent, while the guilty would, well… suffer. It was an elegant system, assuming you ignored the part where almost everyone suffered.
Ordeal by Water
This one was popular for witch trials and other crimes where actual proof was inconvenient. The accused was tied up and thrown into a river or lake. If they floated, they were guilty and likely burned at the stake. If they sank, congratulations, they were innocent! Unfortunately, they were also dead.
Ordeal by Fire
The accused had to carry a red-hot iron or walk across burning coals. Then, they were bandaged up and told to wait a few days. If their wounds healed quickly, it was a sign of divine protection, meaning they were innocent. If the wounds got infected, they were guilty. Considering medieval medicine consisted mostly of herbs and prayers, infections were almost guaranteed.
Ordeal by Combat
This was less about God and more about being really good at fighting. If you were accused of a crime, you could challenge your accuser to a duel to the death. The idea was that divine justice would grant victory to the innocent. In reality, it mostly granted victory to whoever was bigger, stronger, or had better armor.
The best part? Nobles could hire someone to fight for them, because nothing says justice like paying a mercenary to settle your legal disputes.
The Drunkard’s Cloak – When Public Shame Was the Real Punishment
In medieval Europe, excessive drinking wasn’t just a bad habit. It was a crime. And since prison was expensive and execution seemed a little extreme for getting too friendly with a pint, authorities came up with a more creative approach: humiliation.
Enter the Drunkard’s Cloak, a punishment that was exactly what it sounds like. If you were caught stumbling through town, singing off-key and insulting passersby, you wouldn’t just get a slap on the wrist. Instead, you’d be forced to wear a large wooden barrel with holes cut out for your arms and head, effectively turning you into a walking beer keg.
Once properly fitted into your new wooden prison, you were paraded through town, where the locals would mock you, throw things at you, and generally make sure you regretted every last drink.
This was justice at its finest. Not only did it serve as a lesson to the offender, but it also entertained the townspeople, who got a free show at the expense of someone else’s poor life choices. It was medieval social media—public shaming before Twitter was even a thing.
Of course, wearing a barrel was probably a step up from some of the other punishments available at the time. Given the choice between a mild concussion from being pelted with rotten vegetables and having your hand chopped off, most people would probably take the barrel.
The Drunkard’s Cloak eventually faded into history, but the idea of public humiliation as punishment never really disappeared. Stocks, pillories, and even modern mugshots serve the same purpose—reminding everyone that bad behavior has consequences, and those consequences often involve a whole lot of embarrassment.
The Pear of Anguish – A Device Designed by Someone Who Hated Humanity
If medieval punishments had a contest for most unnecessarily evil invention, the Pear of Anguish would be a top contender. Unlike most medieval torture devices that at least pretended to serve the cause of justice, this one was designed purely to make people suffer in the most excruciating way possible.
The Pear of Anguish was a metal device shaped like a closed flower or a pear. It had a screw mechanism that, when turned, slowly expanded the device outward. If you’re thinking, That doesn’t sound too bad, it’s probably because I haven’t yet told you where it was used.
Depending on the crime, the device was inserted into the mouth, rectum, or… well, another orifice. Then, the screw would be slowly turned, forcing the metal petals to spread open, tearing the surrounding tissue apart in the most nightmarish way imaginable.
This was not a quick death. It wasn’t even designed to kill outright—just to inflict unbearable agony and leave permanent damage.
So, what kind of crimes warranted such a horrific punishment? The Pear of Anguish was reportedly used on:
✔ Blasphemers and heretics – Inserted into the mouth to silence them permanently.
✔ Women accused of adultery or witchcraft – Used in ways that make you wince just thinking about it.
✔ Liars and traitors – Because medieval justice believed that telling a lie should come with lifelong medical consequences.
Historians debate how widely this device was actually used, and some suspect that it may have been more of a threat than a common punishment. But the fact that someone invented it, built it, and kept it around just in case speaks volumes about the creativity of medieval cruelty.
The Breaking Wheel – When Death Took Its Time
If medieval executioners had a favorite tool, it was probably the breaking wheel. This was not a quick and clean punishment. It was designed for maximum suffering, ensuring that whoever was unfortunate enough to be sentenced to it would experience pain at a level few could imagine.
The breaking wheel, also known as the Catherine wheel, was a large wooden cartwheel with spokes. The condemned was tied to it in a spread-eagle position, completely vulnerable. Then came the real horror.
The executioner would take a heavy iron bar or hammer and start smashing the prisoner’s limbs one by one, breaking bones but carefully avoiding vital organs. The goal was to leave the victim alive for as long as possible, ensuring they felt every moment of their body being shattered. Some accounts say executioners had a pattern to follow, breaking the legs first, then the arms, then moving to the ribs last.
For particularly hated criminals, the wheel was not just a tool. It was a display. Once the prisoner’s body had been reduced to something barely recognizable, the broken remains would be left on the wheel and hoisted up for the entire town to see, serving as a warning to anyone who thought about breaking the law. Some were left there for days or even weeks, their remains picked apart by birds.
If the punishment was not meant to drag on, the executioner would deliver a final blow to the chest or neck, ending the suffering. But in some cases, the goal was not a quick death. Some people survived for days after the breaking, dying slowly from shock, dehydration, and sheer agony.
The wheel was especially popular in France, Germany, and the Netherlands, and it remained in use well into the 18th century. It was a punishment meant not just to kill, but to make an example of the condemned.
Medieval justice was not subtle. It wanted people to remember, to fear, and to obey. And nothing left an impression quite like a man, limbs twisted beyond recognition, strapped to a wheel high above the streets.
The Scold’s Bridle – When Nagging Was a Crime
Medieval society had a solution for women who talked too much or were considered too opinionated. Instead of ignoring them like a normal person, authorities decided the best course of action was to strap a metal cage to their heads and parade them through town.
The Scold’s Bridle, also known as the Brank, was a metal contraption that locked around the head with a flat iron plate pressing down on the tongue. The goal was simple: humiliate and silence.
This punishment was mostly reserved for women accused of gossiping, nagging, or being too outspoken. A husband could request it if he found his wife too difficult. Town authorities could impose it if a woman was deemed too troublesome. Even in legal disputes, a woman who spoke out too forcefully could be fitted with the Bridle as a warning to others.
Once the device was locked in place, the woman was paraded through the streets like a walking cautionary tale. Townspeople would often mock, spit, and throw things at her, ensuring maximum humiliation. Some versions of the device had bells attached, drawing even more attention to the “offender.”
The Scold’s Bridle was used across England and Scotland from the 16th to 18th centuries. In some cases, women were forced to wear it for hours or even days. It wasn’t just about silencing—it was about control, reinforcing the idea that a “proper” woman should be seen and not heard.
Today, the idea of legally punishing someone for speaking too much seems absurd. But for centuries, medieval justice took the concept of “shut up and sit down” to horrifying extremes.
The Iron Chair – A Seat You Wouldn’t Want to Sit On
Most chairs are designed for comfort. The Iron Chair was designed for pure suffering. Instead of cushions and armrests, it featured hundreds of sharp spikes, covering the seat, back, armrests, and even the footrest. If medieval justice had a furniture collection, this would be its best-selling item.
The accused was strapped tightly to the chair, ensuring that the spikes dug into their flesh. The pressure alone was enough to break the skin, causing immense pain and bleeding. If that wasn’t enough, some versions of the chair were designed to be heated with fire, turning the already unbearable pain into a full-body torture session.
Unlike some medieval punishments designed to kill, the Iron Chair was often used for interrogation. The goal was not immediate death but to inflict pain until a confession was given. If the accused refused to talk, the executioner could tighten the straps, pushing the victim deeper onto the spikes. Some chairs even had mechanisms that allowed the spikes to be driven further in with every turn of a crank.
Despite how barbaric it sounds, the Iron Chair remained in use for centuries. It was found in various forms across medieval Europe, Spain, and even China, proving that bad ideas can travel just as well as good ones.
Whether it was used to extract confessions or simply to make an example of someone, one thing was certain—no one who sat in this chair ever forgot the experience.
The Saw – When Death Was Slow and Upside Down
If medieval executioners had one thing in common, it was a lack of concern for making things quick and painless. The saw execution was one of the most horrifying ways to die, designed to ensure maximum suffering for as long as possible.
The condemned was hung upside down by their feet, usually with their legs spread apart. This wasn’t just for dramatic effect. By keeping the person upside down, blood continued to rush to the brain, ensuring they remained conscious for a horrifyingly long time. Then, the executioners would take a large two-man saw and begin cutting… slowly.
The process typically started at the groin and worked its way down through the torso, with the goal of keeping the victim alive for as long as possible. Some historical accounts claim that a person could remain conscious until the saw reached their chest, though one might hope that shock and blood loss provided a merciful escape much earlier.
This method was particularly favored for traitors, heretics, and enemies of the state, as it provided not only execution but also a spectacle. The public nature of the punishment was meant to send a clear message: betray us, and this is your fate.
The saw execution was practiced in medieval Europe, parts of the Middle East, and even ancient China, proving once again that humans across cultures have been disturbingly creative when it comes to finding ways to punish people.
As brutal as it was, the saw eventually fell out of favor as execution methods evolved to be more efficient. But for centuries, it stood as one of the most gruesome reminders of what happened to those who found themselves on the wrong side of justice.
The Spanish Tickler – A Tool Designed to Rip You Apart
If medieval executioners had a favorite multitool, it was probably the Spanish Tickler. Unlike its deceptively lighthearted name, this device had nothing to do with tickling and everything to do with tearing flesh from bone in the most horrifying way possible.
Also known as the Cat’s Paw, the Spanish Tickler was a set of sharp, curved metal claws attached to a handle. It was used to rip through skin, muscle, and tendons with horrifying ease. The executioner would drag it across the victim’s arms, legs, or torso, shredding the flesh with each pass. Unlike swords or axes, which at least had the courtesy to kill quickly, the Spanish Tickler kept its victims alive for as long as possible.
It was commonly used during interrogations, where the goal was not necessarily execution but rather to convince the accused to confess to whatever they were being accused of. If the victim still refused to talk, the claws could be used on the face, ensuring permanent disfigurement.
The Spanish Tickler was popular in medieval Spain, France, and Germany, where it was often used on accused thieves, traitors, and heretics. It was also sometimes heated over a fire before being applied, because apparently medieval justice was not cruel enough already.
Unlike many medieval torture devices, which were eventually abandoned for being too inhumane, the concept behind the Spanish Tickler never really disappeared. Similar clawed tools were used during the witch trials of the 16th and 17th centuries, and even in some secret police interrogations well into modern times.
The Spanish Tickler was simple, effective, and absolutely horrifying, a perfect representation of medieval justice at its worst.
The Brazen Bull – The Original Slow Cooker, But for People
If medieval punishments had an award for most unnecessarily theatrical, the Brazen Bull would win without competition. This was not just an execution method—it was a performance.
The Brazen Bull was a life-sized, hollow bronze sculpture of a bull. The condemned was forced inside through a small door in its side, which was then sealed shut. A fire was lit underneath, slowly roasting the victim alive. The metal heated up, turning the bull into a medieval oven, where the unfortunate soul inside would scream, suffocate, and burn in the most horrific way possible.
But wait, it gets worse.
The Brazen Bull was designed with acoustic tubes that converted the victim’s screams into the sound of a roaring bull. That’s right—someone actually put thought into making the suffering sound more entertaining.
The device is credited to Phalaris, a tyrant of Acragas (modern-day Sicily) in the 6th century BCE. According to legend, he commissioned a bronze worker named Perillos to create a new method of execution that would strike fear into his enemies. When Perillos finished the bull and explained its horrifying mechanics, Phalaris decided to test it—by throwing Perillos inside first.
The Brazen Bull was used in Greece and later adopted by the Romans, typically for executing traitors, heretics, and political enemies. It was one of the most brutal ways to die, ensuring that the condemned would suffer slowly, publicly, and with maximum psychological torment for the spectators.
Thankfully, this particular method of execution did not last into the Middle Ages. But for the time that it existed, it stood as a grim reminder that justice, in some eras, was more about cruelty than fairness.
We’ve Come a Long Way… Sort Of
Looking back at these medieval punishments, one thing is clear: people in charge of justice had a flair for the dramatic. Torture devices were built with the precision of fine art, public executions were essentially medieval reality TV, and a simple case of public drunkenness could get you paraded through town in a barrel. Subtlety was not exactly a strong point.
Thankfully, we no longer settle disputes by throwing people into rivers or crushing their bones on a wheel. Modern justice has evolved to focus on prisons, fines, and rehabilitation rather than sheer brutality. But before we get too smug about our progress, it is worth considering that some elements of medieval punishment never really disappeared.
Public shaming? It still exists—just online instead of in the town square. Cruel and unusual punishment? Some prison conditions could certainly qualify. Torture? Well, try explaining airplane middle seats and automated customer service hotlines to someone from the 14th century, and they might just call that justice.
So yes, we have come a long way. At least now, when society punishes people, we pretend it is about fairness rather than sheer entertainment. Progress.
– Norm, currently incarcerated
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