Our justice system, it turns out, works a lot like a loyalty program.
The more often you interact with it, the more points you seem to collect. You don’t even need to sign up. Just make one bad decision — or be in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong name — and congratulations, you’re enrolled.
Repeat visits? Even better. You start earning perks. Longer stays. Closer supervision. Personalized security escorts.
And if you thought you could lose points by being on your best behavior, think again. Sure, they might take a few off for good conduct, but they always find a way to add some back. A missed check-in. A late payment. A neighbor who misunderstands your haircut.
There’s no expiration date on your membership, either. Even if you haven’t used it in years, they’ll remember. You might have forgotten the name of your parole officer, but don’t worry — they haven’t forgotten yours.
Your points follow you wherever you go. To job interviews. Rental applications. Airports. Jury duty. Sometimes, they even arrive before you do.
Unlike most loyalty programs, this one doesn’t come with a free sandwich after ten stamps. What it offers instead is a suite of familiar amenities: institutional lighting, fixed metal furniture, uniforms in flattering shades of defeat, and the distinct sense that you are no longer trusted to operate a fork without supervision.
There’s no upgrade option, no executive tier. But if you play your cards right, you may qualify for the privilege of wearing your own socks and eating in a slightly less miserable room.
You can try to opt out, of course. Many do. They move away, keep their heads down, live quietly. But the program has a long memory and an excellent tracking system. It will find you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one late-night traffic stop, one database error, and you’re right back at the welcome desk.
Still, there’s a strange comfort in the consistency. Some people wander through life never knowing where they belong. Loyalty program members? We always have a place waiting.
And it comes with three meals, a bed, and enough paperwork to make sure you never forget how loyal they’ve been to you.
