People love the idea of the mastermind criminal, the kind that pulls off a high-stakes heist and disappears into the sunset with a fortune. Hollywood makes it seem like crime is a shortcut to success, quick, exciting, and rewarding. The reality? It is usually poor planning, terrible execution, and a guaranteed trip to jail.
The truth is, most criminals would have been better off working a regular job. Not only would they have made more money, but they also would not have had to deal with the constant paranoia, police chases, or the embarrassment of getting caught in the dumbest way possible.
Case Study #1: The Minimum Wage Bank Robber
A man walked into a bank and handed the teller a note demanding $10,000. The teller, being the professional they were, calmly handed over a fraction of that amount while secretly triggering the silent alarm. The police arrived before he even made it out the door.
His total earnings? $873 before taxes, and by taxes, I mean immediate confiscation by law enforcement.
The kicker? The guy was unemployed at the time. Had he just applied for a job at McDonald’s, he could have made that same amount in about three weeks without spending the next five years in prison.
Case Study #2: The Fast Food Heist That Paid in Nuggets
A man tried to rob a fast-food restaurant but, in the heat of the moment, forgot to actually demand money. Instead, he demanded free chicken nuggets.
The cashier, unfazed, reminded him that breakfast hours were still in effect and offered him a bacon sandwich instead.
This criminal mastermind was arrested while arguing over why he could not get nuggets before 10:30 AM. Had he simply worked at the restaurant, he could have eaten all the nuggets he wanted legally.
Case Study #3: The Guy Who Stole a Car to Get to a Job Interview
One man, eager to start a new chapter in life, stole a car to get to his job interview. The problem? The car he stole belonged to the manager who was about to interview him.
By the time he arrived, the police were waiting, and instead of a new job, he got three to five years of thinking about what he did.
Case Study #4: The ATM Genius
A would-be thief strapped chains to an ATM and tried to yank it from the wall using his truck. The plan might have worked if he had not accidentally left the chains attached to his bumper and driven off without the ATM. The police found him a few blocks away, dragging his own bumper with his license plate still attached.
Had he simply gotten a job at a bank, he could have handled more money in a week than he ever managed to steal.
Conclusion: Crime is a Terrible Business Plan
Crime does not just ruin lives, it barely even pays. The risks are huge, the consequences are severe, and in most cases, criminals make less than they would flipping burgers.
Most of the people sitting in prison today did not get rich. They did not retire early. They did not escape to a tropical island. They wasted years of their lives for what amounted to less than minimum wage and a lifetime of regret.
So if you are thinking about crime, maybe think again. There are easier ways to make a living, and none of them involve getting tackled by police over a bag of stolen chicken nuggets.
– Ed, Never Incarcerated
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